We’re back outside of the fortress. It’s night. A rabble of warriors and watchers alike are screaming from the walls of Ban-Uldud. I am with my family and they look a lot different now than they did before we arrived. This is to be expected.

--

Earlier today I was reveling and being all boisterous because I wanted to forget about Malkara. I’ll be in a very bad space when I get back and Carson is capable of doing very bad things. Since becoming part of the T.I.P, I’ve learned that problems only sometimes sort themselves out when they’re dead. It’s more complicated than being at sea.

I wanted to capture that again when Giacomo joined us. Live free or die, and if someone wants to take that freedom away, they die. The Black Bell had a prisoner that we needed to rescue and they came after us. They take prisoners, so they should die. So I killed. It’s a bad thing to kill, one of the worst things to do. Can’t be free when you’re dead, but it’s better than being a slave. It’s a swift choice to make, and I had to protect my family from being hurt. Dorian has his words. J has her shapes. Bird Girl has the sky. The others I was not so sure about, and I didn’t have enough patience to see them try to fend for themselves.

The pit felt like that too. I went because I needed something. Fighting fills me up with something that makes me feel good. I’ve learned that it doesn’t always happen anymore though, and I thought that I might be able to figure that out at the pit.

The gnome bookie was pleased with my performance at the feat of strength ceremony. Got tossed into the titan category. Thought that it’d be good sport.

First fight was with a man with two needles for blades. He was slow and weak, so I let him cut me a couple of times for sport. I joked earlier with people about killing people in the ring, but I was a bit worried that if I hit this person they would really just keel over. After having a bit of fun I plunked him on the head for a little sleep. The crowd really liked that, and a good feeling returned. We made some money from it too!

Second fight was with two people. Damn wizards. Fire throwing kinds too. I didn’t joke around as much and didn’t let them hit me. Fire hurts! I don’t mind hurting them but wanted to make sure I didn’t kill them. So I plunked each on the head and brought them down gently. The crowd liked that even more than the first time, and my good feeling felt even better. But I forgot to tell you something.

--

I said earlier a small piece on the Black Bell. The reason why I did is because I saw somebody from that night at the pit. It looked like she was going to be one of the fighters. They were far enough away from me that they didn’t notice me. But I noticed them. She looked really sad and really angry, like there was a boulder on her shoulders. She also looked strong enough to be able to hold that burden. Her friend was pleading with her to let him take on some of that burden, but she wouldn’t listen to him. This was an enemy like me. Her name is Attala.

Before my third fight I find out that she’s my opponent. J comes up to me while I’m getting ready and doesn’t want me to fight. She doesn’t understand why I need this but I don’t have enough time to tell her about it. She says something about Attala wanting to kill me, which is obvious enough. I should hope that she wants to kill me because if she isn’t prepared to do that than I might kill her. It’s nothing personal. I ignore J some more and hope that she goes away.

Attala wears heavy plate and carries a flail and shield. Flails aren’t too common at sea since a misplaced blow might go through a plank. As I enter the ring she sees me, then the crowd goes away. Something powerful and imposing wraps around her and it’s clear that she doesn’t want to just kill me. She wants me to suffer.

She moves quick and comes in close, catching me by surprise. I see her steps and have precious little time to react, but I have a moment to catch her eyes before her first attack. The hatred and rage tells me what she’s aiming for - a strike clean through me! The flail sweeps down from overhead, and I veer to the side and let it all out. She exposes her side and I cut through her cleanly. But no! My swing is true, I’m sure of it, but a force bites back when I pull my stroke downward. She howls in bloodlust and I howl back, but the blow exposes me to a counterattack. She connects and bludgeons me to the ground, and when I reorient myself my opponent feels like something else.

The rage inside of her is crackling and spilling into the arena, like wings formed out of lightning. It’s pleading to erupt out from Attala, flaring as viciously as her piercing gaze into my heart. I feel an overwhelming sensation that sinks my heart when I look at her eyes. I’m looking at a wild thing that has a singular purpose - to harm me. Why would someone want to harm me? We are in a fair fight and there are unsaid things that must be followed: no matter the cost. She wants to violate me.

I break some distance by slicing underhand, getting a half-step back. Overhead, a shower of web descends and catches Attala - a spider has climbed the arena? I can’t believe my eyes - am I seeing things? But I know in another instant it’s J looking to interfere - doesn’t she trust me to do this? Why doesn’t she trust me? I howl in rage as the angel of vengeance in front of me struggles with her bonds. She is fully committed to her task at hand and I have to ask myself a question while we stand in front of each other ready to die: why?

The figure turns to meet my gaze and is now again a warrior, just as I am. Attala tells me about the night at the encampment with her eyes instead of mine. She tells me about the dead - a young Paladin that had just awoken. That was the life that I took that night. It makes me sick to think about. She tells me that it’s her duty to protect her family, as it is mine. I can see the merit in her actions, a person fully devoted and committed to her troupe. I must do the same.

--

The crowd rushes in and swarms us, pulling us away. Attala snarls and lashes out at me, but I can only watch without having the voice to say sorry. I must commit myself to these people around me now, just as she has. Who have I lost? Not as many as I thought, apparently, as Giacomo comes to my side. I have things that she never will have again, and I can’t give that back to her. I’ve taken something that I didn’t deserve to take, and in that moment I realize that what’s been taken from me doesn’t matter nearly as much. A deal or two with bad things can’t change who I am, and as the T.I.P. swarms around me to guide me out of the fortress Ban-Uldud, I make a personal pact to wake up and start being more like myself again. Unless Attala kills me first.